Well, i suppose i should break it down and then sum it up.

Tarot Cards:
My friend Hilary has tarot cards and she did my fortune. It said basically that In the past, i had a decision to make that delayed my life (i'm guessing that was my "are me and kevin still going out" decision which held me back for some time. Presently, I'm captive by something but i feel a certain sort of happiness in my captivity. And in the future, my captivity will come to and end. My overall announced that something in my life is a lie, which is kinda odd. It was sort of scary how right on it was, 'specially since as she was looking through her little book of answers, i was guessing out loud what, knowing me, it should be (i was scaryingly right).

Memories:
My friend Lidia was going through some old tapes for a party and asked me to come over and choose which ones to play (the party was like a "We're all still friends... somehow" party). We found one tape that had us going around a circle saying what we wanted to do when we grew up. Lidia said, "start a clothes line", Johnathan said, "Become a DJ", Trish said, "Find true love", and i said, "Sing Billy Jean with MJ." Me and Lidia laughed and kept going through tapes of us being ridiculous little children.

Aspirations:
I still don't know what i want to do. I still have to go to an orientation for MCC on the 7th. If i'm working, I'll fake sick. I'm going to college dammit all. But honestly, i'm lost. I don't feel like writing which is really my only source of release in this crazy world. So i'm reading like crazy and even trying to teach myself self-hypnotism (bought a book). Maybe by yelling at my subconscious self, i'll finally be a little happier. Or at least i can try to figure out what i want to do with my life.

How they tie together:
I've been thinking long and hard about what the lie in my life could have been. I mean, i have to deal with lies everyday, but it's nothing that could drastically change my life. Watching the tapes, i remember just watching me laugh and play and being... happy. And i can't do that anymore. The moment i find happiness, it gets ripped away from me. And it's making me, frankly, really depressed. No matter who i talk to, it's like everyone's expecting something from me. I just want to be a happy person, i just want to live, i just want to know what i can become. But i can't become anything if i don't know what i'm doing.

I talked to kiddo (long story about how that happened) recently. I said, "I guess when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can look is up." I laughed a little, but then he said, "No, you can look at your feet, and side to side too." I thought he was just being funny, but after he explained, i guess he was right. He said, "you need to look around you for each opportunity. If you only look in one direction, you'll never see what's around you." And he's right. I think i'm looking for something in only one direction. I want to find something that will make me happy and make sure i have a steady life. But maybe i should just choose one or the other.

I told my friend Kayla about it and she said, "I've got it! marry a rich man and then do what you want! That way, you'll have both!" I know she was kidding, but it might not be a bad idea. I keep getting the feeling that every time i fall in love with someone, i just end up ruining their life somehow. If i don't love the guy, then he'll be happy and i'll get to do what i want. Problem solved, right?